


Boom! Roasted!

by Jay1892SG



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Flirting, Jokes, Love at First Sight, RestaurantAU, boom!roasted, margarita is always stirring the pot, roasted, waitress!yennefer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28850325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay1892SG/pseuds/Jay1892SG
Summary: Margarita convinces Tissaia to go to a restaurant called Boom! roasted! Where the wait staff roast the customers. Tissaia can’t understand why you would pay to be insulted.When she sees her waitress though, she begins to understand the value of this establishment.
Relationships: Tissaia de Vries/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 9
Kudos: 76





	Boom! Roasted!

**Author's Note:**

> Random quick one-shot just for laughs.  
> I reference the Office in like, all of my fics and it’s ridiculous. 
> 
> Proof-reading? What’s that?

“Why on earth would you pay for someone to be rude and insult you? Why can’t you choose a normal restaurant? How did you even find this place?”  
“One, because it’s hilarious and different. You need spontaneity Tiss. Two, well, same answer as 1. Three, Philippa.”  
“Of course she’s involved.”  
“Just relax, it’s all in good fun.”  
“Bad service and insults. Fun.”  
“The food is good and some of the waitresses are pretty hot. I wouldn’t call it bad service.”  
“Is this another hooters?! I told you I hated that.”  
Margarita laughed, “you just hated being flustered when that waitress hit on you.”  
“I was there to eat.” Tissaia mumbled.  
“She clearly also had an appetite.”  
“RITA!” She smacked her friend. Being as dramatic as she is, the perky blonde pretended the smack had any real force and swerved the car she was driving playfully sending Tissaia’s heart out of her throat as her hand reached for the “holy-shit-handle” as Rita so delightfully called it.  
They pulled up to the restaurant which had a large, tacky, neon sign above it,  
“BOOM! Roasted!” It read, with a neon barbecue. The name was a reference to a show Tissaia had no interest in. 

The first thing Tissaia noticed was that the restaurant was remarkably clean for a place that made its money by being subpar. She will never understand these fads. The second thing she noticed was that the food smelled delicious. As she watched a waitress walk past, she noted that the food looked good too.  
She also noticed how busy the place was. Evidently a lot of people had a masochism kink in this town.  
Finally, regretfully, she noticed that Rita had not been wrong. She easily spotted some very attractive waitresses and waiters. She was pleased to see their uniforms weren’t revealing. Hooters was ridiculous. 

They were seated quite quickly by a nonchalant host who didn’t seem to care for their existence. Tissaia couldn’t tell if it was a genuine or just part of the act.  
As they sat and waited, Tissaia casually listened to what the service was like.  
“You have less hair than a naked mole-rat. Can I interest you in the house salad? Or do you only eat starch?”  
Shit. Tissaia did not look forward to whatever insult she received.  
She noticed however that, despite literally being insulted and paying for it, the restaurant was quite lively. Full of laughter. It was hard not to get sucked in by the energy.  
The dread crept back in as she saw Rita’s face light up, the tell-tale sign that their server was approaching. She armed herself, constantly reminding herself it was just part of it and she didn’t need to get offended. It was just teasing.  
“Welcome ladies,” a smooth voice spoke. Tissaia didn’t even turn, too stubbornly anxious, “did you just come in from your day job on the pole? Boom, roasted!” She asked, looking at Rita’s ridiculous neckline. Tissaia laughed despite herself. She was always telling Rita her necklines were ridiculous.  
However, now that Rita had been insulted Tissaia knew it was her turn. Not wanting to seem weak-willed she looked at the waitress standing next to her and her breath caught.  
She was gorgeous. Beyond gorgeous. Gorgeous was not an adequate word. Her hair was black and tied in a loose ponytail, Tissaia wanted to touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked. She had these beautiful deep blue eyes that when reflected with the red lights in the restaurant looked purple. She had full lips painted with a bright red that looked entirely like something Tissaia wanted to smudge. Her jawline was soft but nevertheless impressive. Tissaia briefly wondered what it would look like stained with her lipstick.  
And her body. Though mercifully covered with a uniform, it still gave Tissaia all sorts of ideas.  
She was certain she was blushing.  
The waitress had opened her mouth to speak but stopped when Tissaia turned to her. Her lips were slightly parted and she looked as distracted as Tissaia felt.  
Finally, she closed her mouth and cleared her throat, looking away to collect herself before turning back, ready to throw out her ‘roast.’  
“Um, you on the other hand look the opposite. Like a sexy librarian.”  
The waitress stopped short, realizing her insult was more of a compliment.  
“I hope you two aren’t dating. Opposites attract but this seems extreme.”  
It wasn’t an insult.  
Rita smiled, “we’re not dating. Just long term friends. She’s single, in fact.”  
“That so? I find that hard to believe…” the waitress stuttered, trying to say something appropriately scathing, “m-must be the high collars. Not showing enough skin or. Maybe those stern eyes?”  
Tissaia tried to remain unimpressed but she was quite enjoying watching this woman flail.  
“Or maybe it’s your posture. You’re sat so straight I have to wonder if you accidentally sat on a pole. Maybe hers.” She added, nodding at Rita.  
Tissaia raised a single eyebrow, was that the best she could do?  
“Sweet Jesus,” the woman said under her breath, “I’ll be back with your drinks.” With that, she took off.  
“She’s got a nice ass” Rita commented, leaning out of the booth.  
“RITA! Stop that.” She was tempted to look now though, but she didn’t. She didn’t want to be a hypocrite.  
“We didn’t even order drinks. Is that part of it?”  
“Nope. I think she just got… how can I say this, horny as fuck when she looked at you.”  
“Rita, Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you?”  
“Right now? Jealousy that you’re pulling girls like that without trying.”  
“I’m not pulling anything, don’t be ridulous.”  
“Your girlfriend is coming back.”  
The problem was Tissaia’s instincts overruled her brain and she leaned out of the booth to check. She was not coming back. Rita laughed loudly. When she finally stopped laughing, Tissaia had been holding her glare for a quite a long time. Her face may be permanently stuck like this now.  
“Oh. Now she’s coming.”  
“I’m not falling for that again.”  
“I’m serious.”  
“I’m not going to look.”  
“But you want to.”  
“I didn’t say that.”  
“Oh honey you didn’t have to. You know you’re a whole new shade of red.”  
“I AM NOT!”  
“Tissaia and the waitress sitting in a tree, k-I-s-s”  
“How old are you?”  
“Just admit she’s hot.” Rita said, while casting a quick glance over Tissaia’s shoulder. So quick that, in Tissaia’s current flustered state, she didn’t notice it.”  
“She’s very beautiful. Now can we look at the menu?”  
“That depends..” Rita looked over her shoulder again, “are you on the menu?”  
Tissaia froze and then slowly turned her head to see the waitress. How long had she been standing there?  
“Afraid not. Besides, I wouldn’t be on your menu. Boom, roasted!”  
It was only now that Rita realized their waitress hadn’t followed the restaurant’s strange catch-phrase rule. After every roast, they had to say ‘boom! Roasted!’ It was ridiculous, but as the evening went on, the joke became funnier and funnier by repetition.  
She had missed the repetition with Tissaia though.  
“What about her menu?” Rita replied, nodding at Tissaia who was entirely mortified and kicked her under the table.  
The waitress, who wasn’t wearing a name tag- what was that about?, responded. “She doesn’t look to have much of an appetite.”  
“I assure you she does”  
“Rita!!”  
She was 2 seconds away from lunging across the table and strangling her best friend. Her friend she’s known for 3 decades.  
The woman hummed in response.  
Needing this to end, Tissaia said the only thing she could.  
“I see you haven’t brought us any drinks. How long did it take till you realized you hadn’t even asked?”  
She was entirely surprised at how playful and flirtatious her teasing had come out.  
“Bout as long as it took you to miss me.”  
“You haven’t waited long enough then.”  
What was she doing? Flirting was not Tissaia’s strong suit. Being scathing however, was. It was also her fall back. Fortunately, it seemed that working in an insult-restaurant made the waitress pretty resistant to any teasing. Instead of shying away, the woman leaned an elbow on the top of the booth they were sitting in.  
“Perhaps I’ll leave again then.”  
“If you do come back, though don’t hold out for me missing you, I’ll just take water.”  
The woman laughed, a proper laugh and gods it was intoxicating.  
“What about you stripper Sandy?”  
“I need to stay sober for whatever this is. I’ll take water too.”  
The waitress smiled and left without another word. 

“Your flirting game is a bit off honey.”  
“That’s because I wasn’t flirting Rita”  
“Oh? Try and tell me you’re straight next.”  
“How long was she standing there?”  
“Long enough.”  
“Margarita Laux-Antille, I swear to god.”  
Rita rolled her eyes.  
“Long enough for her to know you definitely want to fuck her.”  
“I never said that!”  
“You didn’t have to!”  
“Why didn’t you warn me she was there?”  
“I did.” Rita smiled wide, quite pleased with herself. Tissaia narrowed her eyes.  
“After crying Wolf.”  
“You cannot blame me for your stubbornness. Besides, she clearly liked the compliment.”  
“Lovely. Now can you stop pimping me out to a woman who probably hasn’t finished college yet.”  
“I have. I’m 27 actually.”  
Tissaia had the worst luck.  
“So this is your career of choice?”  
“Good lord, you should work here instead of me.”  
“But then what would you do with your wide skill set?”  
She was becoming extra harsh. She was nervous, okay? The way the waitress was looking at her though, she didn’t seem to mind.  
“I assure you I have many talents.” She said, dropping her voice to a timbre that made heat pool in Tissaia’s belly.  
“Have you had a chance to look at the menu? Or does it take all your focus to remain uptight?”  
“What would you recommend? I know you probably only eat from the kid’s menu but hopefully you can suggest something. Or perhaps find an adult to talk to.”  
Tissaia had entirely forgotten Rita was there until she heard the woman cackle while staring at her in disbelief.  
“You look like the kind of gal who would just love something entirely flavourless. May I suggest plain noodles?”  
“You may, but I’ll refuse.”  
“You would refuse me?”  
The woman pouted, twirling a curl around her finger.  
“With ease.”  
The waitress hummed and then, very suddenly, she leaned in, placing a palm on the table to support herself as she brought them face to face. And close. Too close. Tissaia could see the flecks of the varying blues of the woman’s eyes. If Tissaia leaned forward just enough, their lips would meet.  
“Then I’ll suggest the house special. Roasted soft shell tacos.”  
“Are tacos more to your liking ma’am? Or should I suggest a hot dog?”  
Tissaia was always bad with catching sexual innuendos, but the closeness of the waitress, the fact that she could smell her perfume, and almost taste the mint on her breath made it hard to ignore the implied question.  
“Roast tacos sound delicious.”  
“I assure you they are,” The woman purred. Tissaia swallowed hard.  
“In case anyone is wondering, I will take the sirloin steak with fries on the side.”  
Rita cutting in broke the spell and the woman stood up straight again, writing down the order.  
Even after she left, it took Tissaia several minutes to return to her body.  
“The sexual tension is fucking killing me. Tissaia, I swear to god if you don’t get her number… I will throw away 30 years of friendship.”  
“Stop, it’s probably part of the job.”  
“And yet she didn’t hover over me and ask if I preferred tacos.”  
Tissaia blushed furiously. As much as she wanted to forget what just happened so she could return to being a functioning human being, it was impossible. All she could see was a pair of mischievous eyes. 

—  
“Triss, I found my soulmate.”  
“Oh?” Triss asked, off-handedly.  
“I’m serious. Come here. See that lady?”  
“The blonde? She’s gorgeous.”  
“Yes but not her. The other one.”  
“I see the back of her head.”  
“The front of her head is even better.” She stared wistfully at her new love.  
“You know I’m a sucker for a love story Yenna, but-“  
“No no no. But nothing. She’s gorgeous. She’s smart. She’s witty. She’s so sexy.”  
“You have known her for all of 5 minutes and have taken her order. How much can you really know her?”  
“More than enough. Just casually walk by when I bring the food. You’ll see.” 

— 

Tissaia tried to carry on a normal conversation but Rita would not allow it.  
“She’s looking over here.”  
“Seriously? Can we just stick to the topic at hand? I’m trying to have a conversation.”  
“And I’m trying to get you laid”  
“Gods, Rita. I am going to be the one to throw away 30 years of friendship.”  
“She’s talking to someone else.”  
“I imagine she has other customers, yes.”  
“No no. Like another waitress. I will bet all of my money she’s talking about you.”  
“Or she’s simply talking to someone about our order.”  
“Not even you believe that.”

This was true. She rolled her eyes anyways.  
Several unfinished conversations later and Rita warned her of the waitresses approach. This time, she believed her but she didn’t look.  
“Here you go, your tacos. Steak.”  
“Thank you.”  
“I’ll come back to check you out later.” “I mean, check on you. Check on you later.”  
Rita saw the other waitress, the friend, approaching their table. She walked passed and not-so-subtly glanced at Tissaia.  
HA! Rita was right. The friend definitely just did a drive by.  
Just before Tissaia’s future wife walked away, Rita stopped her.  
“Wait, what’s your name?”  
“If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”  
Tissaia snorted, nearly choking on her food.  
“But how will my dear friend Tissaia here know what name to call out in her dreams?”  
Tissaia dropped the taco she was about to eat. It landed with a thud on the plate. She stared open mouthed at her best friend. She kicked her again, this time much harder.  
“Ow! Damn it Tiss!”  
“Leg slipped.”  
Rita was reaching under the table to rub the sore spot.  
The waitress ignored this interaction, deciding to instead address Rita’s question.  
“In that case,” she started before leaning down to whisper across the shell of Tissaia’s ear, “my name is Yennefer. It’s nice to meet you Tissaia.”  
Oh fuck. The woman simply saying her name should not have made her as incredibly wet as she was right now.  
In a blink, she was gone. Tissaia could still feel her hot breath on her ear. Her whole body tingled, crackling with lightning that shot down between her thighs. 

The food was delicious. And it kept Rita quiet. 2-for-1 deal. By the end of the meal she still had not fully recovered from her interactions with their waitress, with Yennefer (even her name made her shiver pleasantly). Their conversation was less charged when she came back to check on them, but still Tissaia felt at a loss.  
It dawned on her that this was the end of the night. And, though delicious, Tissaia doubted she would return here soon. Yennefer was lovely but what if she had a different server? One that was less lovely. 

As if the gods heard her, her prayers had been answered. When Yennefer dropped off their bill, Rita’s eyes widened comically.  
“Oh my god.”  
“What? Is it more expensive than you thought?”  
“Nope. Nope. Not that. Though there are 10 additional numbers on this receipt.”  
“What?” Tissaia reached over and grabbed the piece of paper.  
On it, below the total, was a note:  
“Call me” it said with a phone number. It was signed ‘Yennefer’ and the woman had added a heart for good measure.  
She could easily pretend the flirting was just Yennefer’s job but this! There was no mistaking this.  
She left a generous tip and put the number in her phone.  
As they were walking out, she spotted Yennefer walking away from them towards another table.  
Once again, Rita had been right. Yennefer does have a terrific ass.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
